The Heartbreak of Ectopic Pregnancy
It has been almost 3 years. And after almost 3 years, I can finally say I am ok. But although the pain has subsided, reading what I wrote then still broke my heart and made me cry. :(
May 20. It was when I woke up at around 5am when i first felt the pain in the lower right part of my back. Thinking it was just nothing, Wati, who was also already awake, and I decided to roam around the streets of CDO to look for a place to eat that early in the morning. While walking, the pain began to run towards my lower right abdomen, but since the pain was tolerable I just brushed it off. It was when we got back to the hotel when the pain intensified. I didn't want to bother anybody else, and thinking that it would just subside, I tolerated the pain and told Wati that I'll just have myself checked when we get back to Cebu in the afternoon. But when the pain was already too much, and the tears won't stop falling, we decided to go to the ER of the nearest hospital we could find. They ruled out appendicitis because when they touched my belly it does not have that rebound pain when pushed. And they suspected ectopic pregnancy because the pain was at the lower part of my abdomen.
There was an OB available and they had to wheel me to her clinic and I could clearly remember crying so hard, and shouting because the pain was unbearable. I could remember people looking at me as I was wheeled towards the clinic. I told the OB I couldn't be pregnant because I had my period, but when the PT showed that I was pregnant, and knowing at that moment that my baby will be taken away from me, God, you can only imagine the pain I went through, it was not just physical, it was also heartbreaking.
After going through a TVS, it was confirmed that I was 6 weeks pregnant and that the egg was in a place where it was not supposed to be. The doctor immediately said that it I had to have an immediate operation for it was critical. But being in a place where my family's not there, and knowing that Wati's family would be leaving as well, I could not see myself being confined in a place so far from home, so Wati and I decided to fly back to Cebu. The doctor firmly opposed it, saying that it was too dangerous, fearing my fallopian tube would rupture. But my decision to go home was final. Since the pain was unbearable, I was injected with Nubain, and I fell in and out of sleep. I could remember waking up several times and seeing Wati just looking at me and then I'd doze off again wondering what he was thinking while looking at me.
The trip to the airport was scary, it was scary because we might not be allowed to fly, scary because the pain might come bach and scary because what the doctor feared might happen. I had to act as if I was ok in the airport, doing away with the wheelchair and just finding support in Wati who I'm sure was scared too.
We arrived in Chong Hua at 6PM and I was operated on at 9:20PM! The doctors in the OR were irked that I was brought there so late, they were ready around 7PM and that they said that sometimes people in the ER just don't realize the urgency of the situation, they were scared my tube has ruptured. And when they learned I was under Nubain, they got even more scared that I may not have felt pain but I might already be hemorrhaging. It took so long because we couldn't find B+ blood, and I guess because it was already too long, they went on with the operation even when the blood was still unavailable. I remember hearing the doctor say, "Hala ni rupture nmn diay ni!", and i remember my hands trembling and the room being so cold, and the next time I woke up, I heard counting, I guess they were finished with the operation and counting the stuff used, making sure nothing's left inside my tummy (hehe).
Looking back on that day, I guess I'm still fortunate and lucky. I have so many things to be thankful for: I was able to fly home safe; even without the needed blood, my operation was a success; that desoite the fact that my tube ruptured and I was already internally bleeding, I'm still alive! And I am lucky and fortunate that there were so many people who were there for me. Wati's sister, Vanessa, had been a big help in making sure I was ok that day, his family supported and checked up on me ever so often, and Papa who hurried to the airport and waited til my operation was done, Mama who quickly went to the hospital,held my hand on my very 1st pap smear like experience, Milky who went to the ER and helped Wati look for B+ blood, REdda who asked for blood donors thru FB, Daddy who visited me at dawn after the operation, friends and family who called, texted, PMd and visited, and most especially Wati who was so strong for me.
I guess I was also lucky that I learned I was pregnant only during that day the pregnancy was bound to end, had it been earlier, and had I took care of the little one inside me, the pain would have been harder. Despite the loss, I could still say God is really good to me.
The days after the operation were hard, I could hardly walk, my abdomen still painful (even until now), I couldn't carry stuff, I couldn't wear jeans or shorts unless they're high waist, I easily get tired, I can't stand or walk for a long time, my abdomen gets big when I'm too stressed out, I can't sustain reading my books for a long time for I easily get fatigued. It was and still is a physical struggle.
But what's harder is the emotional turmoil. The first week after the operation I was crying everyday. I kept looking back on the past 6 weeks and I killed myself in exercise, I drank a lot, and I mean a lot during the summer, and then pain, and then guilt, blame and anger would come, and I'd cry again. It was when my friends, the Guava Republic, visited me when the crying stopped and I thought it would really stop but weeks after I found myself crying again and wondering if I took care of myself would it have made a difference. I would look back, and I would realize, I had all the signs, I was gaining weight, and not losing them despite my several rounds of jogging, I was dizzy several times, I puked when Wati brought one of my favorites, pochero, I was 8 days delayed, and the bleeding that I thought was my period, which was unusually black and the flow unusually light, was just implantation bleeding, and I would get angry at myself for not taking a PT early enough and not taking care of myself then.
Then another emotion added to the list: fear. I have been checking on some forum and researched on ectopic pregnancy and I learned that it is the leading cause of maternal death during pregnancy, it was then that I understood why the doctors in CDO were insistent in not letting me fly home, it was really dangerous, and one of my cousin's friend died because of it. I learned that when you had an ectopic pregnancy, there is a chance that you'd have another one, my doc said a 15% chance of another EP, God, that scared me. I only have one fallopian tube left, I can't go through that again, I don't know what I'd do, and how I'd feel if it would happen again. What if i'd lose my other tube? I've dreamt of becoming a mother even when I was still 20 years old, I'd go crazy if I don't get that chance.
But then, my readings also showed that many had successful pregnancies after EP. My doc also said in a jest, "maka anak pa ka oi, at least di na masaag ang sperm ky sa left njud cla moadto prmi". So despite the fear, I am still hopeful that my time to have my own little family would come.
The dramatic episodes are no longer that frequent, but when they do come, the tears just unabashedly fall. it's not easy, but I'm trying to be ok, physically, and more so, emotionally. I am just thankful that I have so many people who are there for me and who pray for me, and that I have someone who loves me so much, and who has been supporting me physically, carrying my heavy books to school, cooking for me, preparing my snacks, and just emotionally being with me throughout this ordeal, my hubby, my love, my bestest friend. I don't know how I would have been if he was not with me. Thank you love! I love you so much!
It has been 5 weeks, it had not been easy, but today would be the last time I will talk about it, I may still cry for a few times, but I promise to put it behind me. I can't promise I would no longer be scared, but I know I would always be hopeful. I may have asked the Lord several times "Why", but when the tears stop falling, I know the answer is just that it not yet time. I know someday, my lil one would come, someone way prettier than me, or someone more good looking than his dad. Someday. :D But now, let me just take the healing process one step at a time. Someday I'll be totally ok. Someday.
May 20. It was when I woke up at around 5am when i first felt the pain in the lower right part of my back. Thinking it was just nothing, Wati, who was also already awake, and I decided to roam around the streets of CDO to look for a place to eat that early in the morning. While walking, the pain began to run towards my lower right abdomen, but since the pain was tolerable I just brushed it off. It was when we got back to the hotel when the pain intensified. I didn't want to bother anybody else, and thinking that it would just subside, I tolerated the pain and told Wati that I'll just have myself checked when we get back to Cebu in the afternoon. But when the pain was already too much, and the tears won't stop falling, we decided to go to the ER of the nearest hospital we could find. They ruled out appendicitis because when they touched my belly it does not have that rebound pain when pushed. And they suspected ectopic pregnancy because the pain was at the lower part of my abdomen.
There was an OB available and they had to wheel me to her clinic and I could clearly remember crying so hard, and shouting because the pain was unbearable. I could remember people looking at me as I was wheeled towards the clinic. I told the OB I couldn't be pregnant because I had my period, but when the PT showed that I was pregnant, and knowing at that moment that my baby will be taken away from me, God, you can only imagine the pain I went through, it was not just physical, it was also heartbreaking.
After going through a TVS, it was confirmed that I was 6 weeks pregnant and that the egg was in a place where it was not supposed to be. The doctor immediately said that it I had to have an immediate operation for it was critical. But being in a place where my family's not there, and knowing that Wati's family would be leaving as well, I could not see myself being confined in a place so far from home, so Wati and I decided to fly back to Cebu. The doctor firmly opposed it, saying that it was too dangerous, fearing my fallopian tube would rupture. But my decision to go home was final. Since the pain was unbearable, I was injected with Nubain, and I fell in and out of sleep. I could remember waking up several times and seeing Wati just looking at me and then I'd doze off again wondering what he was thinking while looking at me.
The trip to the airport was scary, it was scary because we might not be allowed to fly, scary because the pain might come bach and scary because what the doctor feared might happen. I had to act as if I was ok in the airport, doing away with the wheelchair and just finding support in Wati who I'm sure was scared too.
We arrived in Chong Hua at 6PM and I was operated on at 9:20PM! The doctors in the OR were irked that I was brought there so late, they were ready around 7PM and that they said that sometimes people in the ER just don't realize the urgency of the situation, they were scared my tube has ruptured. And when they learned I was under Nubain, they got even more scared that I may not have felt pain but I might already be hemorrhaging. It took so long because we couldn't find B+ blood, and I guess because it was already too long, they went on with the operation even when the blood was still unavailable. I remember hearing the doctor say, "Hala ni rupture nmn diay ni!", and i remember my hands trembling and the room being so cold, and the next time I woke up, I heard counting, I guess they were finished with the operation and counting the stuff used, making sure nothing's left inside my tummy (hehe).
Looking back on that day, I guess I'm still fortunate and lucky. I have so many things to be thankful for: I was able to fly home safe; even without the needed blood, my operation was a success; that desoite the fact that my tube ruptured and I was already internally bleeding, I'm still alive! And I am lucky and fortunate that there were so many people who were there for me. Wati's sister, Vanessa, had been a big help in making sure I was ok that day, his family supported and checked up on me ever so often, and Papa who hurried to the airport and waited til my operation was done, Mama who quickly went to the hospital,held my hand on my very 1st pap smear like experience, Milky who went to the ER and helped Wati look for B+ blood, REdda who asked for blood donors thru FB, Daddy who visited me at dawn after the operation, friends and family who called, texted, PMd and visited, and most especially Wati who was so strong for me.
I guess I was also lucky that I learned I was pregnant only during that day the pregnancy was bound to end, had it been earlier, and had I took care of the little one inside me, the pain would have been harder. Despite the loss, I could still say God is really good to me.
The days after the operation were hard, I could hardly walk, my abdomen still painful (even until now), I couldn't carry stuff, I couldn't wear jeans or shorts unless they're high waist, I easily get tired, I can't stand or walk for a long time, my abdomen gets big when I'm too stressed out, I can't sustain reading my books for a long time for I easily get fatigued. It was and still is a physical struggle.
But what's harder is the emotional turmoil. The first week after the operation I was crying everyday. I kept looking back on the past 6 weeks and I killed myself in exercise, I drank a lot, and I mean a lot during the summer, and then pain, and then guilt, blame and anger would come, and I'd cry again. It was when my friends, the Guava Republic, visited me when the crying stopped and I thought it would really stop but weeks after I found myself crying again and wondering if I took care of myself would it have made a difference. I would look back, and I would realize, I had all the signs, I was gaining weight, and not losing them despite my several rounds of jogging, I was dizzy several times, I puked when Wati brought one of my favorites, pochero, I was 8 days delayed, and the bleeding that I thought was my period, which was unusually black and the flow unusually light, was just implantation bleeding, and I would get angry at myself for not taking a PT early enough and not taking care of myself then.
Then another emotion added to the list: fear. I have been checking on some forum and researched on ectopic pregnancy and I learned that it is the leading cause of maternal death during pregnancy, it was then that I understood why the doctors in CDO were insistent in not letting me fly home, it was really dangerous, and one of my cousin's friend died because of it. I learned that when you had an ectopic pregnancy, there is a chance that you'd have another one, my doc said a 15% chance of another EP, God, that scared me. I only have one fallopian tube left, I can't go through that again, I don't know what I'd do, and how I'd feel if it would happen again. What if i'd lose my other tube? I've dreamt of becoming a mother even when I was still 20 years old, I'd go crazy if I don't get that chance.
But then, my readings also showed that many had successful pregnancies after EP. My doc also said in a jest, "maka anak pa ka oi, at least di na masaag ang sperm ky sa left njud cla moadto prmi". So despite the fear, I am still hopeful that my time to have my own little family would come.
The dramatic episodes are no longer that frequent, but when they do come, the tears just unabashedly fall. it's not easy, but I'm trying to be ok, physically, and more so, emotionally. I am just thankful that I have so many people who are there for me and who pray for me, and that I have someone who loves me so much, and who has been supporting me physically, carrying my heavy books to school, cooking for me, preparing my snacks, and just emotionally being with me throughout this ordeal, my hubby, my love, my bestest friend. I don't know how I would have been if he was not with me. Thank you love! I love you so much!
It has been 5 weeks, it had not been easy, but today would be the last time I will talk about it, I may still cry for a few times, but I promise to put it behind me. I can't promise I would no longer be scared, but I know I would always be hopeful. I may have asked the Lord several times "Why", but when the tears stop falling, I know the answer is just that it not yet time. I know someday, my lil one would come, someone way prettier than me, or someone more good looking than his dad. Someday. :D But now, let me just take the healing process one step at a time. Someday I'll be totally ok. Someday.
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