Mommy of 3

I am a mommy of 3....

2 are in heaven. 😭💔

Around the end of February, several pregancy tests showed faint lines telling me that at the age of 38, I was surprisingly pregnant!

Truth be told, I was worried at first, as I thought that I was quite old to carry another child. But the fear quickly turned to excitement especially when Trystyn was so thrilled to have a baby "sister". He would kiss my tummy so many times and one time when I got home from work he ran up to meet me and asked me if Baby Sister was out already! He was that excited! 💟

I was so excited I could imagine having a gender reveal during Trystyn's birthday in July and a maternity shoot for our  yearly family picture! 

But on February 27, I noticed a tinge of blood in my underwear. I hurriedly messaged my doctor who told me to go on bed rest.

But the spotting turned to bleeding.. 😭

I was so scared to lose my baby that I think I cried secretly almost every day. At times I tell the people in the house of my worries but I really did not want to burden them so much as they were already serving me while I was on bed rest.  I was told to stay positive. I really tried so hard to be positive but when you see blood trickle down your legs, or your pad so full, it's so hard not to worry. I was even so scared to poop worried that the baby would go out when I strain. :(

Trystyn would pray even when pooping  saying, "Lord, please don't take away our baby." One time, mama told me Trystyn threw coins in the canal and i scolded him only to find out from his cousin that he was wishing that the baby won't go away every time he threw a coin. 😅 when i told him that the baby might not be born, he suddenly closed his eyes and said he wants to sleep and did not want to continue to talking. He really wanted his "sister". He would even be so strict when he sees me standing up. 🥰

But the bleeding continued.  On my third week of bed rest, the bleeding became heavier that I already got so scared not just for the baby but for myself. I was so scared something might happen to me because of the continuous bleeding and I kept thinking of Trystyn. What would happen tonhim if something happens to me? I was very confused and guilty that my prayera shifted to "please make the baby ok"  please make me ok coz i still have Trystyn to take care of. Imagine the guilt a mom has to feel because both are my children. 😭😭😭

But the bleeding continued and it became heavier and I began to pass clots that I had to be rushed to the ER. I thought I already miscarried only to be told I was still considered pregnant and to continue with my bed rest and meds. I only had very tolerable pain and the resident said that if I indeed miscarried i should be having labor pains. The ultrasound still showed signs of pregnancy but there was also blood inside. Imagine my confusion! I was told to go back to the ER if the bleeding is like "gripo" na daw and if I have extreme or labor like pains.

Days after I felt lower back and pelvic pain, it resembled the pain I had during early labor (not super painful) and it was so short that I was not sure if that was a miscarriage. Few hours after I had heavier bleeding with larger clots and  continued bleeding for more than a week.. 

I kept praying to the Lord to grant me the courage to accept that the pregnancy is not viable but I also continued to take my vits and meds still hoping for a miracle. 

But the miracle did not come...our baby is gone 😭😭😭

Even though I had been preparing myself for this outcome, it still hurts so bad man diay.  I cried while having my ultrasound. Wati and I cried while waiting for the printed result. I cried several times in the afternoon that I cleaned the room to get my mind and heart off the pain. I cried while driving to my meeting. I'm crying while writing this.. I cried and am still crying because losing a child, even if you have not seen him/her is devastating.

I have felt this before when we lost our first baby and it is still the same heart stabbing pain now. 😭💔 I just hope my baby would know that mommy tried her best for her to stay. 

Please don't tell me it's ok, coz it's not. I know my baby (as his/her older sibling) was not meant to be on earth but they were still meant for me, maybe not just in this world but to watch me from above.  

I will be ok, but right now I am totally not. My heart is crushed but I know in time, my heart would feel better.

But I am also even more thankful for Trystyn. You see, having and keeping Trystyn inside was difficult too. I also experienced threatened abortion with him but the Lord willed for us to be with him. He is definitely our miracle and I would cherish him even more than I already am cherishing him now in tribute to his two siblings who did not make it to mommy's arms but will forever stay in mommy's heart. 

I am a mommy of 3...

one making us happy on earth

and two watching over us in heaven..