PREGNANT AT 38?!

I have been wanting to give Trystyn a sibling ever since he was born in 2017. But as years passed by, and with me getting older, having a new baby no longer became part of the plan...

Until last February when my period did not come up. I was so hesitant to take a PT, firm in my belief that at my age, I am no longer fit to be pregnant. But then the period still did not come and I was finally prompted  to buy a test. 

Since no line showed up within the 3 minute mark, I placed it inside the pouch and threw it, only to be shocked by my sister barging into my room the next day,telling me her dog got the test and there were 2 lines! I said, no, the 2nd line was just an evaporation line, but the thought bothered me so much that I asked Wati to buy more tests. 

The 2nd test I took also did not show a clear line within 3 minutes but when I looked at it again, there was a faint red line. I told myself it was still an evaporation line and I shouldn't be pregnant. 

I was out of my wits thinking if I am really pregnant or not that I took several more tests which all showed faint red lines.OMG! I am pregnant!

I was honestly worried at first, getting pregnant at 38 was already out of the question. I felt so old to be carrying a child! But then the  worry became excitement, especially when Trystyn was so excited to finally become a kuya! ❤️ He would touch my tummy and kiss it and talk to his "sister". He really wanted to have a sister that I had to remind him that if it's a boy, it would still be ok.

But the first ultrasound did not show a baby. And it baffled me. But the sonologist said it just might be too early and told me to come back in 2 weeks. I was so worried that I had to ask my OB if I have a baby  and she said that I am pregnant as my endometrium is thick and it just most probably is still to early for the baby to be seen. She required me to have a beta-hcg test to confirm pregnancy and which I did. She said I am pregnant after seeing my results. 

But on February 27,  there was a tinge of blood on my underwear. I was worried sick when I saw it and my OB told me to go on bed rest.  

But the spotting became bleeding..and it continued for another week. When I had my 2nd TVS, there was a gestational sac but there was no baby inside it yet. I was perplexed. it had been 2 weeks since my 1st ultrasound, and only a gestational sac?! And if I base it on my LMP, I should be around 8-9 weeks..I was frustrated and worried. 

My doctor said that it is possible that my cycle is just so prolonged and it just might still just be the early weeks. Well my last 2 cycles were at 36-38 days so it was really possible. But she also honestly told me that another possibility is that the baby is not a good output, and the baby might just go away. I was in a daze when she told me that. I was not even sure I got everything she said coz my mind was in a haze. She required me to take another beta-hcg test to check if the level increased, and it did . I just prayed so hard for my baby to be ok. People tell me not to worry, but though I try hard not to, it was difficult not to be scared. 

Four days from my last check up, I woke up to realize that I was bleeding heavily and there were clots coming out. I was so scared to see the clots thinking I had already miscarried. I had been asking people what it felt like to miscarry as the continuous bleeding for 2 weeks already agitated me and they said the pain was severe, that it felt like they were going through labor. But I did not have that. 

I rushed to the ER and was made to the another ultrasound.. Out of my confusion I had to ask the doctor if I miscarried but she said no. There were some structures in my endocervical canal believed to be blood, and which was most likely the cause of my continuous bleeding. 

Imagine my confusion!  I was discharged still with all my prenatal medicine, with added iron, and told to continue bed rest for the next 2-3 weeks. I don't even know why I was bleeding. 😭

The next day, I had on-off pelvic pain, which was tolerable but really uncomfortable. I was thinking, I would soon miscarry with how things are going. At around 2Am on 17 March I woke up to a painful lower abdomen and back. Felt like early labor pains and I actually thought this would be it, I am gonna lose the baby. But the pain did not last long as I was able to sleep immediately. But 3 hours after, I woke feeling very wet, and indeed when I went to the cr, my sanitary pad and panty were soaked in blood and a very large clots went out. I cried. I do not know how I should feel. I do not even know if I miscarried or if something is terribly wrong with my body. 

I was so distressed that I talked to my sister in law's aunt who was also an OB ind Davao City and she told me to watch out for pain and infection and told me I could get another ultrasound a week after to check. She said that if I actually miscarried, the bleeding will eventually stop, and my endometrium would no longer be thick in the ultrasound. She told me to make sure I take the iron supplement for the blood loss. 

But I am still bleeding...it will be three weeks tomorrow and there is still fresh blood in my napkin, every time I pee, and there are still clots coming out. I am very worried about me. I just hope and pray that there are no negative effects to me because of the bleeding because I still have Trystyn and I want to be ok for him. 

I am honestly very confused right now. And I find myself crying in the shower, worried about me, and feeling guilty that my prayer has shifted to begging the Lord that this pregnancy be successful to praying that I be healed and ok even if it won't. 

I just want to know my status. I don't even know if it is still worth it to stay on bed rest and to drink all these prenatal medicines if the pregnancy is not viable. But I still continue to do so, maybe part of me still hopes for it to be ok. 

I am just so confused and I do not want to go on telling people in the house about all these fears and worries because I feel like I have already been burden with being served everyday because I have to lie down most of the time...

I am having a  mixture of emotions..waaaa