Thank you, next baby?

The last time I penned my feelings here was when I lost my third child. It was a pain that I continue to feel a pinch in my heart in whenever I remember it or whenever I talk about it. But after that second pregnancy loss, I have been constantly bombarded with "Pun-i" na na statements or "When are you gonna give Trystyn a sibling?" questions. 

My initial answer would always be "I'm already old (turning 40 this year)." But they would always quickly reply that "That's still ok." Or "it can still happen", and some would continue saying this person or that person even had a child at an older age. 

Truth be told I always wanted  to give Trystyn a sibling. Wati and I have siblings, and altho we do not always see eye to eye with them, we know we always have each other's love and support. And I wanted that for Trystyn. But as I grew older, the dream slowly faded as I know it would be hard to be pregnant when you are older. That's why when I got pregnant last year, my first reaction was really that of distress. 

That dream of giving Trystyn a sibling is now just a dream in the past. Something I do not think I am willing or ready to make a reality at this point in my life. 

A week ago, while in the mall, Trystyn kept on looking at baby stuff and had been telling me (again) he wants a sister. But I firmly told him no. Once again telling him I am too old. 

Last Sunday, while attending the christening of a friend's baby, people have been prodding us to give Trystyn a sibling has he had positively responded that he still wanted one when asked by the other guests. 

Once again, blurted my "I'm too old" generic answer. 

But really there are many other reasons. 

After the first pregnancy loss, I thought  losing a baby would not be as devastating the second time around, but it is still the same suffocating and heart stabbing pain. And no, I do not want to go through that again.  I do not think I have the heart to go through through that kind of pain again. 

Moreover, I do not want to feel the anxiety I felt worrying if my baby would be ok or not. When I was pregnant with Trystyn, I remember crying many times due to the many scares we had during the whole 9 months: the increasing subchorionic hemorrhage,  the threat of miscarriage, the early contractions, the early aging of my placenta, the leaking of my amniotic fluid. The fear if my baby would make it or not wa so debilitating. I just am so thankful that Trystyn made it. He is definitely our miracle. When I got pregnant again last year, I relived the anxiety that I had with Trystyn. The initial spotting to the heavy bleeding, the confusing ultrasounds, the extreme worry if my child was gonna make it, everything was so crippling. And  I definitely do not want to feel that again. 

And really, I'm too old to have another baby. My immediate replies to queries or statements regarding the matter are valid. I am getting older and I do not know if my body can sustain all the changes that come with pregnancy and the carrying and chasing after. hehe. 

It also made me think that having another baby would mean more expenses, and would put future travel plans on hold. Trystyn has been dreaming of traveling the world, and I intend to let him go to as many places as we can. If we have another child, traveling would not be something so easy to do. But these are just secondary reasons. 

Honestly, when I look at our friends' babies, and when I see Trystyn wanting to have a sister (or a brother) it would also make me want to have one, but then the reasons why I do not want to have one again would flash back. And the little flame of wanting to have one, isn quickly extinguished. lol.

Yesterday, when I talked to Wati about it, I felt I was very selfish to Trystyn for depriving him of a sibling. But Wati told me just as long as we would always make him feel loved, he would be ok. And I know he is right. 

If God would still will it that I would get pregnant anew, I'm sure I would feel scared again, but I also know it would then lead to excitement. I just pray that when He does give us another one, that it would be another miracle like Trystyn, and that I would not have to go through all the pain again. But really Lord, I am ok with one.I am already forever grateful for the gift of my son. 

But I trust whatever it is that You feel what is best for me and my family. Till then, let me continue using the I am old card, and hopefully all the proddings and questions would stop.